It isn’t a secret to those close to me that my wife and I were trying to have a child. To those close to me it also isn’t a secret that we were trying for over four years (since I made the mistake of excitedly telling people early on “we’re trying!”). It is a secret to everyone how much I struggled, and still sometimes struggle, with the fact that we have yet to conceive and most likely won't.
Men’s feelings toward not being able to conceive are not a subject often talked about. A cursory internet search yields basically no results for people talking about this either. By and large the response I got, and still get, from my friends (with a wink and a nod) is “trying is the fun part!” This is not an untrue statement, but the idea that the only investment in conception I have is sex has slowly turned into a statement that only reminds me that we have yet to conceive. The only thing this statement does now is place paranoid thoughts like “maybe we aren’t trying enough” into my head, thus making it my fault somehow that something neither my wife or I have ANY control over escapes our grasp month after month.
Weakness is something that our culture demands men not have, and when we do, we are taught to shamefully hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist. This is why statements (and the emotions they produce) like the one above are so hard to talk about as a man. I’ve been told “It’ll happen when YOU’RE ready”, “This is God’s plan, relax!”, and even the occasional “Are you sure you’re doing it right?” (again, with that damn wink) slips in. All of these things compound when you also have self-doubt and, after a year of no results, the shame of feeling helpless and the feeling that I cannot ever show my emotions is overwhelming. Watching the stress of this process on my wife is the hardest thing for me though. She confessed to feelings of inadequacy, sadness, and even fear that I may think she is worthless because she “can’t get pregnant.” Obviously, this is the farthest thing from the truth but her helplessness only makes me feel that I need to ignore my own feelings to make sure she is supported. Circular internal logic being what it is, I know this only reinforces the stereotype that men can’t show emotion and that, unsupported, my wife will fall to hysterics but I am truly at a loss to stop that thought process.
My only hope is that things will shake out in our favor at the end, whether that be us conceiving or us moving on and focusing on living our lives. As a social worker I feel it is inexcusable for me to fall victim to these moods. I need to get better at speaking out, talking to others, and telling people to knock it off when they respond to my attempts to talk with half-sarcastic platitudes that end with a literal wink and a nod. I also need to get better at talking to my wife about my feelings. She is a big girl and not only can handle it, but deserves to know where I’m at with this whole process. So, in keeping with my desire to communicate my feelings more: to the dude that told me God will figure this shit out for me, go to Hell.
Seriously.